Brooke and I made our first official shopping trip as fully enrolled members of the Sam's Club nation today. Needless to say, this was a learning experience in the realm of social interactions. There is no good way to describe my running commentary as we shuttled our double-wide shopping cart through the land of bulk supplies. I can only share my observations in hopes that none of you fal victim to these same experiences.
FREE SAMPLES! These two words are apparently the mating call for anyone who has forgotten what self control and weight control are. The mere sight of a free chicken wing was enough to block a 12-foot aisle while 2 women with carts full of Diet Coke shoveled wings down their throats without chewing. I am pretty sure at least one went and located a disguise to enable her to gather more wings as she prepared to hibernate for the winter. And I had better never hear anyone who makes a freaking sprint to the free sample table turn around and explain that their weight problem is due to "glandular issues" or "emotional distress". You just ran to get a free chicken wing and I have to believe that is the only running you have done lately. Here is a newsflash friends.....just because something is free does not require that you act like a starving jackass to get it. Seriously. I mean this.
WE DON'T TAKE VISA CREDIT CARDS SIR. In what third world country is a Visa Credit Card not accepted for the purchase of food, clothes, tires, small barnyard animals, dinosaur eggs, above-ground pools and/or dog food? Luckily I happen to carry around a Mastercard for emergency situations or my $100 worth of goodies would have been left to be put back on the shelves by the nice cashier who apparently is in charge of yelling out everyone's weekend plans as they walk by. Visa...the most common card issued in the United States is not accepted as Sam's Club? WOW.
I GOTTA GET ME COME MAYONAISE. Now I completely understand the thought process in buying bulk to cut costs. Hell, that is the entire reason that I signed up for a membership at Sam's Club in the first place. I can get 5lbs. of ground beef for $12. I can get 30 granola bars for $8. These bargains make sense to me. But why in the hell does anyone need a 5lb. tub of mayonaise? Why? And while we are on the subject of unhealthy indulgences or epic proportions....why is the already overweight 7 year old next to me pushing a cart full of 60-count doritos and 30 bags of Famous Amos cookies? Chef Boyardee is not a real Chef. Cheese Puffs do not contain real cheese. Hawaiian Punch does not contain real fruit juice. And if that is all you plan to feed your kid then I hope you like the husky section at Wal-Mart! People....if you want to eat like crap and make yourself unhealthy and miserable then have a call. But please do not force your kids to eat this garbage when there are aisles literally filled with healthy alternatives like granola bars, fruit, vegetables and juices. And don't tell me "My kid won't eat healthy food". Your kid will eat whatever the hell you give them because they do not have a job or money and cannot buy their own groceries!
In closing...I hope to see you all during my next visit to Sam's Club. I will be the guy in the football helmet trying to bounce from line to line in order to get checked out faster. And if you happen to stop by there without me...pick up that 148 oz. jub of Ranch dressing for me.
One of the funniest things i have read in months... actually has inspired me to try my self.. you have always been good for a laugh.
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