Working Up A Sweat

The new year is upon us and the inevitable resolutions have taken place.  Lucky for me, many of those resolutions involved getting back into shape and joining a gym.  My usual exercise mecca has now become the headquarters for half-hearted push-ups and obvious violations of the natural code of gym conduct.  So let us review the do's and don'ts of working out to ensure that all of you, my loyal followers, do not end up the target of one of my posts.  Let us begin......

SPONSORED BY UNDER ARMOUR:  Unless you can say this is the case then you do not have to go out and buy all new workout clothes just to come run on a treadmill.  Your shoes, shorts, shirt, hat, water bottle, ipod...etc do not all have to match either.  If you show up to the gym looking like you just bought out the exercise section of Dicks Sporting Goods then it is gonna be pretty obvious that you are just getting started here kids.  And while we are on the subject of your attire.....COMPRESSION CLOTHING IS NOT FOR EVERYONE!  There are people in this world who should NEVER, EVER wear anything that clings to them.  Let's be real about this.  If you are 75lbs overweight do you really think that wearing stretchy pants is the best idea when you go run?  This applies to men and women.  And guys, if you cannot manage to complete 20 push-ups then you probably do not need to have on a weightlifting belt or a sleeveless t-shirt that you made yourself.  The reality is that all you need is a t-shirt and a pair of mesh shorts to get the job done. 

THE SOUND OF SILENCE:  If you are serious about getting into shape then follow this one small recommendation.....TURN OFF YOUR DAMN CELL PHONE AND DO SOME WORK.  No one wants to hear about your over-dramatic life while you stroll along on the treadmill at a whopping 2.0 mph.  Bluetooth makes you look like a jackass who is talking to themselves and there is no way you are doing any work if you are focused on whose baby-mama is hooking up with who.  The only electronics you need are a decent mp3 player to drown out the unbearable music that most gyms play.  You know the best part of mp3 players.....they play into headphones so only you hear your music.  Take that hint and STOP SINGING while you work out.  You are not Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson, Kanye West or anyone else that anyone at that gym wants to hear perform.  There is a reason there is not a karaoke machine at the gym, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU SING....EVER.

KEEP IT CLEAN:  If you are too lazy or worthless to wipe down equipment then never come to the gym.  No one wants to go sit in your funk after you get off the ab machine so grab a towel, spray the mysterious blue crap on it, and wipe it down.  It takes two seconds and keeps me from getting Mersa or some worse-a. (It rhymed, you loved it)  And keeping it clean does not just apply to the machines.  DO NOT under any circumstance whatsoever start yelling and/or cursing at the weights.  Everyone has seen that guy who feels the need to scream at the bench press and everyone knows he is a JACKASS.  "I just killed that shit yo.....I just killed it" translates to everyone else as "These steroids are making my nuts shrink like raisins and I need a hug". 

So enjoy your pursuit of physical fitness and better living.  I guarantee that a regular exercise regimen will improve your mood and your life.  Just remember that you have to abide by some basic rules as your work towards your goals and avoid being the person that ends up on this blog.