Halftime Hitlist

The SUPERBOWL has arrived and once again we are all in for a "show" come halftime.  Madonna, yes Madonna, will be taking the stage.  Why?  No one really seems to know which network clown smoked a bad batch of weed and came up with this idea, but we are all destined to suffer through it.  Check out this sweet set list and tell me you are not super-stoked:

"Vogue" (Madonna)

"Music" (Madonna with LMFAO)

"Give Me All Your Luvin'" (Madonna with Nicki Minaj and M.I.A.)

"Like a Prayer" (Madonna with Cee Lo Green)

Now how could anyone not want to hear Nicki Minaj come out and rap like Forrest Gump with Tourette's Syndrome while Madonna flexes her 60 year old man-muscles?  M.I.A. and Cee Lo Green can battle for the title of "weirdest people on stage not in LMFAO)

With this year's inevitable "shitting of the bed" it inspired me to do a little research and locate the worst Superbowl Halftime Shows in recent history.  Sit back, grab a beer and remember all the good times you had mocking these nightmares.

2011 - The Black Eyed Peas  Fergie and the crew put on such a bad show that even Helen Keller would have wanted to change the channel.  Even Slash got in on the joke by running on stage just in time for Fergie to massacre Sweet Child of Mine.  The excuse everyone gave me was that the sound people messed up and that the sound system was bad.  They were in Dallas...at a BILLION DOLLAR stadium...I bet they had a pretty damn good sound system.

2004 - Janet Jackson, P. Diddy, Kid Rock, Nelly, Justin Timberlake  Now this one was pretty damn good until someone felt the need to pop out a nipple about 10 years after we all wanted to see it.  This is the reason we have had nothing by 1970's rockers and vanilla crap artists in the past 8 years.  I ask you this America....Is Janet Jackson's titty worth never seeing a new artist at the Superbowl?  Had that question been asked in 1994, then yes.  In 2004, NO. 

2003 - Shania Twain, Gwen Stefani, Sting  Where do I even start on this mash-up of crapioca pudding?  Shania Twain is about as qualified to do a Superbowl halftime show as Adam Lambert is to sing the national anthem at a UFC fight.  Gwen Stefani?  Hey Gwen, 1997 called and they want No Doubt back.  Sting is pretty solid alone, but not really the football crowd.  I honestly think there must have been a better option out there that was planned and they cancelled at the last minute.  One of the producers called their agent and said "Who can you get me in 3 hours for the Superbowl?"  Was Flock of Seagulls busy doing a reunion show at a Vegas casino that day?


I would love to have the opportunity to sit down with an NFL official and ask them what it would take to get someone like Keith Urban, The Foo Fighters, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Kenny Chesney, Jimmy Buffett....or anyone else who is still relevant back onto the field at halftime.  How awesome would it be to actually look forward to the halftime show again?  How cool would it be to see Zac Brown Band come out and do a 5 song set while we all drank beer and made fun of Bill Belichick?  Why can't we let Beyonce do the show with her newborn in Bjorn carrier so she can exploit it a little more than she already has?  Why can't Taylor Swift come out and try to convince us all that she is still 16 years old and cute?  I vote we just say to hell with it all and let Poison come out and rip it up for 20
minutes.  Bret Michaels singing songs and making white trashy chicks want to throw on some acid wash jeans and tease up their bangs.  NOW THAT WOULD BE A DAMN HALFTIME SHOW!

Working Up A Sweat

The new year is upon us and the inevitable resolutions have taken place.  Lucky for me, many of those resolutions involved getting back into shape and joining a gym.  My usual exercise mecca has now become the headquarters for half-hearted push-ups and obvious violations of the natural code of gym conduct.  So let us review the do's and don'ts of working out to ensure that all of you, my loyal followers, do not end up the target of one of my posts.  Let us begin......

SPONSORED BY UNDER ARMOUR:  Unless you can say this is the case then you do not have to go out and buy all new workout clothes just to come run on a treadmill.  Your shoes, shorts, shirt, hat, water bottle, ipod...etc do not all have to match either.  If you show up to the gym looking like you just bought out the exercise section of Dicks Sporting Goods then it is gonna be pretty obvious that you are just getting started here kids.  And while we are on the subject of your attire.....COMPRESSION CLOTHING IS NOT FOR EVERYONE!  There are people in this world who should NEVER, EVER wear anything that clings to them.  Let's be real about this.  If you are 75lbs overweight do you really think that wearing stretchy pants is the best idea when you go run?  This applies to men and women.  And guys, if you cannot manage to complete 20 push-ups then you probably do not need to have on a weightlifting belt or a sleeveless t-shirt that you made yourself.  The reality is that all you need is a t-shirt and a pair of mesh shorts to get the job done. 

THE SOUND OF SILENCE:  If you are serious about getting into shape then follow this one small recommendation.....TURN OFF YOUR DAMN CELL PHONE AND DO SOME WORK.  No one wants to hear about your over-dramatic life while you stroll along on the treadmill at a whopping 2.0 mph.  Bluetooth makes you look like a jackass who is talking to themselves and there is no way you are doing any work if you are focused on whose baby-mama is hooking up with who.  The only electronics you need are a decent mp3 player to drown out the unbearable music that most gyms play.  You know the best part of mp3 players.....they play into headphones so only you hear your music.  Take that hint and STOP SINGING while you work out.  You are not Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson, Kanye West or anyone else that anyone at that gym wants to hear perform.  There is a reason there is not a karaoke machine at the gym, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU SING....EVER.

KEEP IT CLEAN:  If you are too lazy or worthless to wipe down equipment then never come to the gym.  No one wants to go sit in your funk after you get off the ab machine so grab a towel, spray the mysterious blue crap on it, and wipe it down.  It takes two seconds and keeps me from getting Mersa or some worse-a. (It rhymed, you loved it)  And keeping it clean does not just apply to the machines.  DO NOT under any circumstance whatsoever start yelling and/or cursing at the weights.  Everyone has seen that guy who feels the need to scream at the bench press and everyone knows he is a JACKASS.  "I just killed that shit yo.....I just killed it" translates to everyone else as "These steroids are making my nuts shrink like raisins and I need a hug". 

So enjoy your pursuit of physical fitness and better living.  I guarantee that a regular exercise regimen will improve your mood and your life.  Just remember that you have to abide by some basic rules as your work towards your goals and avoid being the person that ends up on this blog.

Let's get ready to SAM'S CLUB!!!!

Brooke and I made our first official shopping trip as fully enrolled members of the Sam's Club nation today.  Needless to say, this was a learning experience in the realm of social interactions.  There is no good way to describe my running commentary as we shuttled our double-wide shopping cart through the land of bulk supplies.  I can only share my observations in hopes that none of you fal victim to these same experiences.

FREE SAMPLES!  These two words are apparently the mating call for anyone who has forgotten what self control and weight control are.  The mere sight of a free chicken wing was enough to block a 12-foot aisle while 2 women with carts full of Diet Coke shoveled wings down their throats without chewing.  I am pretty sure at least one went and located a disguise to enable her to gather more wings as she prepared to hibernate for the winter.  And I had better never hear anyone who makes a freaking sprint to the free sample table turn around and explain that their weight problem is due to "glandular issues" or "emotional distress".  You just ran to get a free chicken wing and I have to believe that is the only running you have done lately.  Here is a newsflash friends.....just because something is free does not require that you act like a starving jackass to get it. Seriously. I mean this.

WE DON'T TAKE VISA CREDIT CARDS SIR.  In what third world country is a Visa Credit Card not accepted for the purchase of food, clothes, tires, small barnyard animals, dinosaur eggs, above-ground pools and/or dog food?  Luckily I happen to carry around a Mastercard for emergency situations or my $100 worth of goodies would have been left to be put back on the shelves by the nice cashier who apparently is in charge of yelling out everyone's weekend plans as they walk by.  Visa...the most common card issued in the United States is not accepted as Sam's Club?  WOW.

I GOTTA GET ME COME MAYONAISE.  Now I completely understand the thought process in buying bulk to cut costs.  Hell,  that is the entire reason that I signed up for a membership at Sam's Club in the first place.  I can get 5lbs. of ground beef for $12.  I can get 30 granola bars for $8.  These bargains make sense to me.  But why in the hell does anyone need a 5lb. tub of mayonaise?  Why?  And while we are on the subject of unhealthy indulgences or epic proportions....why is the already overweight 7 year old next to me pushing a cart full of 60-count doritos and 30 bags of Famous Amos cookies?  Chef Boyardee is not a real Chef.  Cheese Puffs do not contain real cheese.  Hawaiian Punch does not contain real fruit juice.  And if that is all you plan to feed your kid then I hope you like the husky section at Wal-Mart!  People....if you want to eat like  crap and make yourself unhealthy and miserable then have a call.  But please do not force your kids to eat this garbage when there are aisles literally filled with healthy alternatives like granola bars, fruit, vegetables and juices.  And don't tell me "My kid won't eat healthy food".  Your kid will eat whatever the hell you give them because they do not have a job or money and cannot buy their own groceries!

In closing...I hope to see you all during my next visit to Sam's Club.  I will be the guy in the football helmet trying to bounce from line to line in order to get checked out faster.  And if you happen to stop by there without me...pick up that 148 oz. jub of Ranch dressing for me.

Welcome to 2012 Mr. Messick

I learned a long ago that coming up with specific and drastic New Years Resolutions was a complete and total waste of time.  Studies show that over 80% of all New Years Resolutions are broken, so the numbers back up my thoughts.  However, I think that laying out a plan for how you can work to improve your life in the next 12 months is always a great practice.  What better way to make sure you stick to that plan than to post in on your blog so everyone can keep you in check?  So here is my plan for 2012 and beyond........

WORK:  2011 was a year of great nerves and uncertainty for everyone within my company.  When you are a part of the biggest merger in the history of the financial industry you never know what may come next.  In spite of all that, I was able to achieve being ranked within the top 10 bankers in the states of NC and SC.  After 5 years with my company I began to make a name for myself as a top performer and leader in my position.  Looking towards 2012 I have to take that to another level.  Ultimately I would like to move out of the retail banking side and into a more corporate setting to move my way up, but all that must come in time.  I am going to be more focused and more driven to lead by example and increase my competency as a financial service provider.

SOCIAL:  2012 is going to be a much dryer year as it pertains to the "fire water".  I am not making the claim that I will stop drinking and swear off alcohol forever, just slowing it down.  I have spent a good part of the last 29 years with a solid buzz and a light wallet and that time is winding down.  Ultimately this decision will probably be the best I make all year.

HEALTH:  My lifestyle and eating habits have really changed over the past 2 years in order to improve my health.  It seems that every health problem in the history of the world runs in my family and I have tried to head these off before they affect me.  High Blood Pressure, Heart Disease, respiratory problems, depression, alcoholism.....these are all things that I am predisposed to and that are a reality within my family.  I learned about 2 years ago just how serious blood pressure problems can be when my dad's doctors warned him that he was on a crash course with a heart attack.  Our eating habits and personalities mirror one another, so that was an eye-opening realization that I was likely on that same road.  I started a personal journey in 2010 to lose weight and improve my overall health.  30 pounds later I am in a much better place physically and mentally.  Building upon that base to bring my health to an even higher level is a huge focus moving forward. 

FAMILY:  I saved this one for last because it is THE MOST IMPORTANT on the list.  In 2012 I get the immense honor of carrying on the Messick family name.   I take on this responsibility with a lot of pride and excitement.  Bringing my son into this family is undoubtedly going to be the best day of my life and I cannot wait for April.  My only hope is that I am able to live up to the example set by my parents and to be half the parent that I know my wife will be.  Little Easton has no idea how much love he will find within the friendly confines of the Messick family.  A phenomenal Aunt & Uncle, cousins that will be his best friends, grandparents that will spoil him rotten every minute of every day, and parents that will drop everything else in their world to make sure he is happy and safe. 

2012 is set to be the BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE.  Bring it on.

The Rules of Fanhood

As I prepare to head out for a little Christmas Eve football viewing, I feel it is my duty to share the official Rules of Fanhood.  WARNING: If you are a Steelers fan you may want to stop reading now.

There are many levels of fanhood as it pertains to sports.  The casual fan who may own a single t-shirt and manage to watch a few games each season.  They might be able to tell you who 5 players are and maybe met one of them at Starbucks once or twice.  These folks don't plan their weekend around what time kickoff is or whether there is a home game or not.  On the other end of the spectrum is the FANatic.  A closet full of jerseys and a room full of autographs is the only way of life for these folks.  I live in the FANatic world myself.  I can make friends with anyone at the bar wearing my team's jersey and I can probably tell you who started at what position at any time in the team's history.  Is it slightly concerning and unhealthy? Probably.  But it is a good life.

Here is where we cross into the world of FANatics who go above and beyond though.  Enter the Steelers fan who cannot watch the game at the bar without their 'Terrible Towel".  You are waving a towel at the television in a bar dude.....think about that.  Is Big Ben gonna throw an interception of you fail to remember your towel?  There is also the classic FANatic who is still wearing the worn out and tattered jersey of a player who has long since retired.  This is not a throwback, this is a piece of crap that has been washed 9,000 times and is almost recognizable.  We see you Chris Weinke jersey guy, and we are judging you.  The hat that has so much funk on it that people smell you before they see you is just not cool.  Buy a new one, I'll pay.  To the random "hey guys, let's do our chant" crowd at the bar- NO. This can only be done if you are at an alumni gathering of some kind and everyone there is cheering for the same team.  Random 5 person "TAR" "HEEL" chants are not cool. 

The only thing worse than the above mentioned overkill FANatics are the poser fans.  The guy who has no idea what the hell he is watching but wants to make small talk.  Stats? Roster?  Team history?  Rules of the sport? NOT A CLUE.  But they bought a sweet jersey on eBay to try and pick up girls at the bar so now I am subjected to this moron trying to trash talk when he obviously has never watched a sporting event in his life.  FLAG ON THE PLAY - Illegal use of douche-baggery - Round of shots penalty.

So remember as you head out during Bowl Season, the playoffs, March Madness, MLB Opening Day....etc. that you must observe the Rules of Fanhood.  Throw on that jersey and hat, leave the towel at home, google some rules and history so you don't sound like a jackass.  
MOST IMPORTANTLY........Do not be the guy at a Panthers v. Falcons game wearing your Green Bay jersey.  If your team is not playing then you should not be wearing that jersey at an event.  You look like a moron and people are making fun of you.

Let's give this a shot.....

After reading some of the blogs my friends have created over the past year or so, I have been inspired to begin one myself.  I cannot promise that this will always be the most politically correct and "safe for work" blog you will ever read.  I also cannot promise that it will always be the humorous rantings that many of you have come to expect from me via facebook.  Put simply, we are gonna see where this thing takes up.  Feel free to comment, provide feedback, agree, disagree, debate....etc.

So here we go..........I will start off my giving the update on where my life currently is and the big things that are on deck for me.  As most of you know, I am currently expecting my first child in April of 2012.  To say that is a bit of a reality check is the understatement of the century.  Suddenly the guy who many regard as a big kid is actually going to be responsible for a child of their own.  The reality of that responsibility is enough to stop you in your tracks when it sets in.  I do consider myself very lucky though given that I have the financial means and support system to be ready to raise a child.  The examples of great parenting I have seen from my parents and many friends have been educational in how I expect that I will react when my time comes with my little man.  God help me if this kid is more like me than his mom though.  Our spare bedroom, once known as "The Watson Suite", currently resembles a bomb shelter in Fallujah.  The history on my computer is now loaded with babiesrus.com and buybuybaby.com links.  Superbowl party plans are now taking a back seat to baby shower plans.  All in all, this is the most exciting period of my life I have experienced.  Every day seems to bring a new reality that my world is about to be very, very different.  I am finally at a point in my life where I actually welcome that change.